All The Help I Can Get

I have been reading a lot lately about how easy 70’s, 80s, and 90s moms had it. I get it. I mean nobody had CPS on speed dial, a pediatric consult wasn’t required before making snacks for your daughter’s Girl Scout meeting, intolerable play dates were not a thing because you just opened the door and pointed them toward the park or… patch of grass… or street… or whatever. OH OH OH… and in the 90’s at least, the clothing was baggy and less binding. I guess they did have it pretty sweet.

But… could they turn on the T.V. from their phones while hiding in the bathroom?!? No Becky they could not. And too bad because this is a magical, game changing, life saving tool. I can turn on the television, put on The Magic School Bus, control the volume, and summon my kids away from whatever they are destroying. All while huddled in my shower scrolling social media.

I know that the “good parents” are going to chime in with how we are supposed to limit their screen time. Mmmmm hmmm… but look my floors need to get done, and I am not creative enough to pull off some sort of crafting adventure, or reading scavenger hunt. Also, I suspect those crunchy “good moms” might be swiping their kids Adderall. I am just saying that level of involvement and time commitment on Pinterest, just to keep them occupied in order to clean up whatever is sticky at that moment, isn’t occurring in nature. My guess is Adderrall…. or the devil. Guuuuurl you know I don’t judge. I would seriously sell my soul myself to be rested enough and to poop alone.

Let me back up a little bit to when I was about 6 and my mother and I were at K-mart. She was talking to the lady in customer service and the man ahead of us had just put out a cigarette in the ashtray. Yes, that’s how old I am. They let you smoke in K-mart way back then. Or maybe that was just in Butthole, Louisiana? Anyway, I could see that it was still lit and I was curious. So what did little 6 year old Mikey do? I reached down and put that used nasty cigarette butt IN MY MOUTH and inhaled. I then proceeded to cough so hard that I puked. I did not stop puking until long after we frantically made it to the parking lot. I think that might even be how I caught the gay (J.K. don’t email me)! You know what would have avoided that? An iPad.

I am not kidding. You give my kid their pad for 10 minutes and they will barely move. So until someone takes my suggestion seriously that chloroform air vents be optional in all mini vans and SUVs, the iPad is gold. Say what you will, but did you know there are 5 dwarf planets in our solar system? Because my 5 year old son does. He can name them and tell you anything you want to know about them. You know why he knows that Becky? iPad. My girls are obsessed with pretending to be Kacy Catanzaro from American Ninja Warrior. She is this incredibly strong female athlete my girls worship, you know how they found her? You guessed it. iPad. So let’s all stop pretending like we aren’t at least tempted to glue those things to their hands some days.

Oh and I was just reading that we can track our kids while they are out of our sight! You guys…. we can put GPS on our children! I guess we SHOULD be shoving them out the door to go explore like previous generations of moms and dads, I mean we have access to satellite imaging and NASA technology for the love of Kelly Clarkson! Alas, we could never do that though could we? No we could not. A huge sarcastic thank you sent out to Detectives Stabler and Benson and the creators of Law and Order SVU. Life ruiners the whole lot of them (Just kidding Chris Meloni please answer my letters).

It does seem like there is a lot of pressure on parents today, we have to somehow feed, clothe, and nurture our babies, while at the same time keeping them safe from a world that appears to be infinitely more dangerous than the one we grew up in. We know too much about the damaging effects of… everything. It is all so incredibly daunting. So grab your phone, head into the bathroom, crawl into the tub, and cast Paw Patrol to the T.V. while you scroll through Facebook or that Snapogram. Give yourself 10 minutes of peace. It is ok to make your life easier sometimes. I promise.