Ah… summer time…

Can we all agree that now that the weather is warm, and people are opening doors and windows, that we are all going to just pretend not to hear each other screaming bloody murder at our kids? Every summer all my neighbors get a bouquet of flowers, plate of chocolate chip cookies, and a card that says, “Brace yourself. It’s gonna be loud.” I feel like it’s just a fun little way to remind them not to call CPS every day.

Still, despite my best efforts, there seems to be one or two that cannot decipher societal norms. Unfortunately they are also the ones who conveniently seem to be jogging, or walking their dog, by my house when I am outside with my kids. Never when I am inside… hiding from them… you know, behind the curtains.

Let’s talk about old man Bob. Bob walks his 3 geriatric dogs 97 times a day. Every day. So for the next ninety something days of summer break I get to participate in the following daily exchange:

“Oh hey there Hurleys! Imagine running into you here. Outside of your house. In summer. So what was B getting into this morning? That W sure does sound like a scamp! Is Z still putting glue in her brother’s hair?”

Move it along Bob, nothing to see here. Besides, I think the acoustics are such that you hear better from your house. I mean, I assume that’s why you can hear me from so far away, but the demon horde living in our home can’t hear me from the next room.

I sort of feel like I should be wearing a body cam. If for no other reason than to prove that I start the day as Mary Poppins. Joan Crawford is just where we inevitably end up.

qMary Poppins Short TakesWalt Disney Films
Mommy-Dearest Paramount Pictures

Our neighbor Joyce is THE worst though. She wants to be all “judgey” just because she lives 3 blocks away, and can still hear me yelling at my captors. She’s a single mom and only has one kid. While we hear a lot about her 9 year old’s accomplishments, we don’t see much of her as she is allergic to sunlight, grass, dirt, concrete, and fresh air. Also, she is apparently busy working on being the next 9 year old to get into Princeton…. or whatever. Joyce really chaps my hide.

“You know, if you gently redirect them to a positive activity you don’t have to yell. Yelling is the same thing as locking them in a dungeon, or tying them to a sticker bush. 100% for sure it will turn them into drug addicts.”

Hey Joyce, how about you refocus yourself on down the road? Be sure NOT to look both ways when crossing the street. Hee Hee. Not kidding. I despise you.

I think this summer, if we hear our neighbors getting loud with their kids, we should just send over a sheet cake with, “You’re doing great! Only ___ more days till school!” written on it. Unless it’s that Joyce. If you hear her yelling, record it and send it to Princeton Admissions. That’ll teach her.

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