It was one of those days…. you know the kind of day I mean…. It was Saturday so everybody was home (yay), and the entire lot of them were needy as fuck. No joke my kids would walk past my husband standing at the refrigerator to come upstairs to ask me for juice. All morning…
“Daddy? Where is my spiderman?”
“Daddy? I can’t find my dress?”
“Honey? Where are my shoes?”
“Honey how does the T.V. turn on?”
I found myself furiously scrubbing the kitchen, hoping that slamming things around and grumbling under my breath would sufficiently encourage everyone to stay away. But noooooooo…..
T: Hey Baby? Could you stop what you’re doing and come in here? The kids and I need you for a second.
WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY NEED FROM ME NOOOOW?!? I mean I have wiped your butts, found your toys, laid out your clothes, Cleaned up after you, and FED YOU ALL. WHAT DO YOU NEED NOW?!? WHAT?!?
T: Blink blink…. well… the kids and I were thinking it had been a while since you had a Daddy hotel day and we all agreed that you work too hard, so we were going to see if you wanted to go tonight. But… I see now the error of my ways, and that you are busy soooo we won’t bother you with all….
M: (on phone) Yes. The biggest suite you have. I will need an early check in and late check out too. I will be there in 45 minutes so either have my room ready, or I will be waiting with you. At your counter. Asking questions. Until you get me in my room…
Guuuuuuurl you know I was out the door in 15 minutes. I didn’t even know what I had packed in my bag. It didn’t matter though, I had one chance to flee and I was taking it. I made the appropriate showing of kissing and hugging everyone, but the twirling and dancing in our front yard as I made my way to the car might have given away the fact that I wouldn’t be missing anyone.
After checking in and disinfecting all the surfaces, I laid out my bedding and pillows and settled in to binge on room service and crappy marathons on MTV.
Guuuurl, you know that I went to the hotel spa, I got a massage ,and I hung out in the hot tub. Until one of the other hotel guests tried to talk to me and I retreated to my room where I could avoid “other people”. For a whole day nobody touched me, sat on me, climbed on me, tugged at me or used my shirt to wipe their nose. It felt like the universe had finally realized it’s mistake and made me the princess I knew I was destined to be.
Sadly, all good things must end. Like any good Stockholm Syndrome survivor I voluntarily returned to my captors the next day.
When I pulled up all 3 kids were standing in front of our giant picture window waiting for me in their T-shirts and underwear… that I had put them in yesterday. Still my heart squeezed. I guess I had missed them. I also couldn’t wait to kiss my fine ass husband, so I rushed up the walk and threw open the door and was greeted by…
“DADDY!!! We went to 4 parks! They were super muddy, but Papa let us jump in the puddles! We built forts out of the furniture and all the blankets!!! We had pizza and ice cream for dinner!”
Both of my daughters’ hair was twisted and tangled into one giant knot. My son buried his face into my neck, “Awww he missed me”, I thought to myself. Until I realized my neck was sticky and I smelled peanut butter. “Sorry Daddy, I couldn’t find a napkin”. I was still buzzing from the high so I overlooked all of it. I smiled up at my husband who was scowling. I noticed that he looked like he had been eaten alive and regurgitated.
“How do you do this every day? WHY, why do you do this every day? They… they… they just never stop NEEDING things. And the mess, sweet Jesus the mess. I would be dealing with one, and the other two would attack from the periphery. I just… I just need to lay down.”
After 24 hours he needs a nap.
But still… as I stripped the kids and shoved them into showers, picked up last night’s pizza and this morning’s… I dunno whatever that was, and washed ice cream out of the dogs fur, I realized I am living my dream life. I have a husband who is hot as hell and will send me to a hotel as a surprise. He lives for us. I have 3 kids who might drive me up the wall, but they also give the best hugs, say the funniest shit, and make the best macaroni art. And I have the best dog in the entire world. Maybe I don’t have a lot to bitch about after all.
JK. JK. JK. I am sure I can find something.