#girldad

There is a lot on the old interweb about “Boy moms” right now, and how tough it can be to raise the Tasmanian devils that seem to possess our little guys 90% of the time. Hell, my husband and I WERE little boys and yet Brody often baffles us. So to the boy moms out there, I feel you…. I do… but let me tell you, being a girl dad isn’t all Wonder Woman dress up tea parties and giggles. The screams alone can be deafening. And have you ever had to clean poop out of somebody else’s vagina?

As a young gayling growing up in the 1980s… ahem…late 90s rather, I was pretty sure the female anatomy would forever remain a mystery to me. I definitely never imagined that I would be having daily arguments with little people about keeping their vaginas healthy and itch-free. I mean… it seems to me like the first time not wiping/ washing/ etc. didn’t work out, you would want to do better. But nope, every day we get to argue about whether or not the, “It’s my body. It’s my choice” rule applies to wiping and washing.

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The squealing… it’s constant. They squeal when they are happy, when they are sad, when they are furious, when they see a pony, if someone looks like Wonder Woman, or if they are on fire. If you are not careful you will find yourself running up the stairs every 30 seconds convinced their limbs have been severed. That’s why I am developing a device that differentiates the sub sonic sounds into threat levels. That way you know what level of intervention is necessary. By the way, I will crazy murder, and finger paint in the blood of, anyone who tries to steal my idea. Patent Pending

Just yesterday I overheard my poor husband and my 6 year old in a heated conversation. Zoey had gestured to a pile of dolls, and asked Tony to hand her the Belle doll. Here is where he went wrong, he then asked her which doll was Belle… Zoey was INCENSED.

Z: Are you trying to be funny Papa? Belle, from Beauty and the Beast…

P: I understand your words honey, but I don’t know who that is!

Z: SHE’S BELLE!!!!! She’s like only my 906th favorite doll in the whole world!!!!!!

Now at this point I should have intervened and rescued him, but I have a strict policy against interacting with them when they are like that unless I absolutely have to. Plus, if IIIIIII have to know all of the princesses, super hero girls, super hero princess girls, or whatever, so does he.

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They cry a lot. I mean like an EXORBITANT amount. I am continuously pushing fluids into them because I fear dehydration. My girls will cry because they are sitting too far away from each other, or because they are too close and breathing on each other. Willow cried last night because her brother went into the bathroom she was thinking about using. Oh yeah, and yesterday they both threw a legit FIT over having to share their Pretty Princess dress up tiaras, boas, and costume jewelry. I was like calm down, we share in this house…. and I just put this stuff on.

The things they want to play are extremely complicated, much like trying to navigate the minefield of their emotions. You need a script, a back story, and a 20 minute class before you even get started. And even though you think you are prepared, inevitably you will draw their anger because they changed said script, and you just unwittingly killed Princess Barbie Power Monster or whatever. Nothing makes the back of my hair stand up like hearing, “Daddy, will you play with me?” Not even if it would cure cancer…. is something I think, but never say because I am obsessively afraid that might make them grow up to be a stripper.

They both know every one of my buttons and heart strings, and are not afraid to use them against me. And just when I think my eardrums are going to burst from the volume of her shrieks… she wraps her little arms around my neck, and whispers in my ear “You’re the best Daddy in the whole world.”, and I know without a doubt that I will play dolls, or make-up, or fashion show, or anything else their amazing little imaginations desire. Because nothing beats butterfly kisses, or watching them twirl around in the sun, giggling because of the way their dresses spin. There is no greater feeling in the world then they take your hand and smile up at you.

Fox & Wagon Photography

Actually, you know what? I take it back, being a #girldad is the best thing I have ever done. I wouldn’t change a single thing. Well… except that bit about the squealing.

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