Ugh… effing nature

You guys… he wants me to “camp”. Like in nature! Seriously he is planning on dragging me out into the legit forest, or the jungle, or whatever. I’m not 100% sure what the difference is. What I DO know is there are bugs and dirt there. And I think we can all agree nothing good happens in the woods.

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Credit: Warner Brothers

Let me give you a little background on my childhood camping experience. There is none. In fact, when Tony and I met he tried to trick me into becoming an “outside person”. We were newly dating and I was still successfully keeping all my crazy tucked in.  Also he’s a hot firefighter, so I was willing to put myself in danger for love. With much repidation, and feigned excitement, I consented to try this camping thing he kept going on about.

On our first trip Tony had all of our supplies purchased, he loaded up the truck, and even bought me some really cute sandals. When we arrived I put on my best “can do” face and pretended to be enthusiastic as I asked how I could help. You can imagine my glee when he pointed to a chair and told me to sit down. He built the little tent, he made the fire, he organized and set up the… you know…. other things. He did it all. He brought torches to keep bugs away, he made me a beautiful dinner, and the next day he drove me into civilization to eat indoors. It was all very “Brokeback Mountain”. I enthusiastically agreed to go again.

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Credit: AP/Focus Features, Kimberly French

On our second camping trip I grabbed and unfolded a camping chair as soon as we got there. I was thinking to myself that I would let go of the fact that I was unfolding my own chair. I mean he seemed very busy. As I settled in I called out my faux offer to help as I put my feet up. “Sure! Can you gather kindling?”, he yelled back. After finding out that “kindling” is just an outdoorsy way of saying little sticks, I went ahead and did my part. Still despite the hardships I was able to enjoy myself. I even learned that you can see the stars at night out there in the wild! Seriously, it’s not just a made up thing on T.V.!!!

Our third trip… that’s where it all fell apart. My shoes…. my beautiful shoes were taken from us in a devastating mud mishap. I …sob escapes… I had to make the ultimate sacrifice and leave them behind in the quicksand to save myself. Tony was so impacted by witnessing this tragedy that he drove us directly to the mall and replaced them upon returning to civilization.

OH! Let me tell you about the showers. They were abysmal. I had barely rinsed the all natural, vegan, gluten free coconut scrub off my face when the water turned frigid. As I reached to adjust the knob, I was confronted by a black widow spider hanging near my face. I turned to flee and my shower shoe caught the edge of the shower stall and I was airborne. Luckily there was concrete to break my fall.

Later, during our afternoon hike (Yes, the fateful hike that took my shoes), I was chased through the forest by a bear. Ok, ok, ok… it was a chipmunk, but he was aggressive! In fact Tony nearly lost a leg because of that little shit, but more about that later. But worst of all, he made me do stuff! Like work stuff! As you can imagine I shut that shit down. We had been dating long enough by this time that I was pretty sure he was hooked. I mean I had slowly started introducing him to all my other personalities and he was doing a good job at rolling with it. Anyway that was our last camping trip. For awhile.

A few years ago one of our very best friends gave me a trip to See Sam Smith at an outdoor concert venue that boasts a camping site. Seriously… they are super proud of it and people love it. Our friend even bravely offered to take care of the kids! You might wonder how I was convinced to go back into nature after the shoe trauma of our previous trip. I know. It was tough, however I soldiered on.

Also, I was desperate to get away from my kids. I love them, but we had been together EVERY DAY for YEARS. We all deserved a little break.

Oh and of course camping had evolved. And we were able to eat at restaurants and go to the movies. #Glamping

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But now… now he wants me to go into the forest again. And this time he wants me to bring our kids!!! Listen, they don’t just give you the title Helicopter Dad, you have to earn it. Can you imagine what that’s going to be like out there in the jungle? I mean does he not remember what happened to my shoes?

Pray for me y’all.

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