Hey gurl Heeeeeey! 

Wanna know how I know that the universe not only despises, but is also out to destroy me??

Can someone PLEEEEASE tell me why when I was young, and in pretty good shape, the style was baggy jeans, baggy shirts enveloped by baggier flannels, baggy baggy baggy.  When trying to trap a ma… I mean… flirt with a young gentleman…You used to have to find new and inventive ways to “accidentally” reveal that you even HAD a shape under there.

Siiiigh good times…

The first time I stepped on the scale and thought  “DAAAMN BITCH you need to have a word with yourself” was several toddlers ago.  Not since having MY toddlers mind you, I mean I have gained the combined weight of several toddlers.

Today though I am Thirty… thirteen and have gone through TWO pregnancies back to back (PSA: I will CRAZY murder anyone that points out I didn’t actually carry my babies.), so OF COURSE everything is ridiculously tight.  “Skinny jeans”…”Slim fit”… “skinny slim skinny skinny skinny “… you know what?  Choke on a protein bar.

In sweats and a hoody I manage to look like a busted can of biscuits.  Why are ya’ll doing this to me?  Look, I am trying to eat healthier… now granted that’s mostly because I am OBSESSIVELY terrified that I will die before my babies are grown (I will regale you with that crazy a different time, but shout out to my husband who keeps telling me Life Alert is “only for old  people”). This fear is only compounded every morning when I see that melty face guy from Raiders of the Lost Ark staring back at me from my mirror.  Seriously what is happening to my face?

Ironic isn’t it?

Before children you can afford Botox, but don’t fully appreciate the miracle that is a wrinkle free (albeit unmovable) face.  I mean… until it’s gone that is.  By that time though you have three adorable little college funds draining your very life force (collagen) as well as your bank account.  I just feel that Botox, fillers, and light cosmetic enhancements should be free for parents.  At the very least it should be covered by insurance.  Can we get a committee on this?

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